Going Back to My Past for Healing

I really don't know where to began, so here goes... Through the past bible study I attended I realized that I am not completely healed from my past. See I have experienced sexual abuse starting at a very young age by multiple men...none of them strangers. All of them where family members or family friends. I have experienced physical abuse growing up. Also, my dad did a of things that really hurt me. He was a player, sugar daddy, or even better a lady's man. He would bring so many women around me and my brother. I saw it all first hand.

The things I have been through and have seen has caused me to turn bitter towards men. In my head I used to think all men had two motives to control women and to make women there sex slaves. My bitterness towards men would show. I would do say or behave a way subconsciously that would show my anger towards men. The reason I say subconsciously is because the things I do or say was not intentional. The thing is these men I was projecting my anger towards never did anything to me.

Over the years as I have grown closer to God I don't hold that anger I was had. However, it's not completely gone. It's still there. I did not realize this until my boyfriend showed me how I talked about men. I keep denying it at first. I didn't believe it because I thought I had changed and I know longer hold stereotypes or judgments against men. Well, you guessed it. I was dead wrong. The anger is still there. Don't let me get worked up about when a man has done something wrong...it all comes out.

Okay so going back to the healing I need from my past. It's so painful at times. I must go back to the first memory I had being abused, through each and every one, through my healing. I no longer want to hold bitterness and anger inside of me. As I go through this journey I want to realize that each time was not my fault. I am looking to be restored and renewed...recapturing myself.

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